Friday, June 30, 2006

Altered Images

Two weeks and forty four years ago, my mom was hit by a drunk driver when she was returning from a doctor's appointment. She had a few ribs broken and some internal bruising, but she and I were fine beyond being pretty shaken up; and who really knows how that prenatal experience affected me.
Jean-Francois Gravelet had an interesting day on June 30th 1859. He was perhaps the first person to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. I reference him with a much deliberate metaphor. I think he wasn't the first, I think he was the one who knew how to market himself, or had someone who could do it for him. But, He did take that walk across the great aqueous divide. Mine, a little dryer, but no less formidable says I.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

proof rock

Gus is angry at me. He's been angry before, but not like this. It involves something that I have decided and he does not agree with. He wants to quit band which he has been in for 5 years. This year he begins the marching band portion of our program. Gus is a percussionist and he' s good at it. He uses his entire body to perform, it doesn't look as silly as it sounds, it just looks like he's enjoying himself and feeling the vibe . He has been hounding me to let him stop before he has to devote "56" of his summer hours, as he has calculated, to the marching band camp thing.
Need I say more.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

crowning glory

A few years ago I worked with a woman that was a nightmare. She subsequently retired because the "technology" was moving too fast for her to keep up with. I was relieved, but her presence had been a good lesson in all of the things that I had been doing wrong. I always tried and have done so many times since with others, to engage her, or make her laugh. She was the ultimate critical parent. In fact, I 've given the voice in my head her name. The voice that is negative, mean and overbearing shares a likeness to her cranky and dissatisfied angry delivery.
She came into the library today, and I looked up just in time to see her. She's a tiny lady but yields so much power, it's hard for all of us that there are so many of them cluttering our lives with their sadness.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Vintage years

Jealousy is one of those things that kind of itches until you pay attention. I pay attention but it's something that makes me very uncomfortable.
Realistically I think it's a big motivator for people. It challenges what we think we are and how we perceive ourselves. In a movie, the music would be starting and the headband would be adjusted, the muscles stretched and the shoes tied. In my life, I do the opposite. I think that if something else is better, let it be more betterer by far. So far, that's worked well for me.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

love will tear us apart

I live with Samson three times over. All three of the boyos have enormous mounds of hair, as is their want. From the beginning, if I make an attempt to cut, or have their hair cut it has been a struggle disproportionate to the issue at hand, or at least as far as I'm concerned. For these guys, it's a power and control thing and I've never been able to pinpoint that until today, when it was Gus in the chair and he said,"this is just you trying to get back at me." If it had been Eamon he was talking to that would have made sense, but in my case, for what? Growing up I reckon.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Head hang low

I'm going to be 44 next week. And I'm trying to figure out how exactly that happened. I've lost approximately 13 years. I can remember Jake being born and then after that Gus but then it's all a blur of sorts. I'm not kidding. I have no idea what happened from 30 until a maybe last year.
If their was an alien abduction, I have yet to re-live the memories, but that at least would explain the situation. All I know is that I'm loosing elasticity and retaining water, so much for a reward at the midpoint. It's not the most exciting subject, aging, but for now it's outside the window I've been sitting near.

Friday, June 23, 2006

All in all

I remember when I was little that if I was dealing with someone who was a little off, or a little crazy it took awhile for me to realize. I also remember not being able to understand how people would just act around that person as if there was nothing going on.
There is something going on, and I've tried to explain it to Jack and Gus, that their brother does not respond to things in a "normal" way, that his behavior will not change even if they are nice to him or let him have everything he wants.
Even as an adult it's probably been the biggest challenge of my life, to have a child that is really difficult to feel affectionate towards and to know that there is very little that is going to make that better. Sometimes I hear Jack pleading with Jake to understand his hurt, or Gus telling Jake the logical progression of his anger, It's not going to do any good. We are living with a wall and one that I really would like to change the paint on pronto.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm waiting for that feeling

Last night a band of thunder storms kept me up with their loud music of sorts. It was a stormy nights on many fronts. There is a war raging at my home and it all has to do with Tony Danza.
It doesn't seem to matter that I don't care if it's Tony or Judith running the show.
I took the computer away from The fellows. No ITunes, no Runescape notin man. Therefore, I am the devil. Sometimes you have to take that bullet to show you mean it, but boy can it be a loud and painful recovery.
I have many issues with hierarchy in that there is this notion that people should have the opportunity to make decisions regarding the direction of life. It seems to me that the individuals who are in the saddle are short sighted, yet the lives that are affected remain changed for eternity.
I've feel torn about taking something away from my somewhat malodorous brood I don't like to make people sad. We are on the same side I tell myself, but apparently at some point people do take sides and right now that is more semblant to me than ever.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


I bought Jack a small rubber ball the other day, yes, we've made all of the possible ball jokes that exist within our universe. Anyway, there is huge satisfaction in the bouncing of a ball. It's a finite sound specific to one thing and it's simplicity is contagious. Most of the boys on the street now have or are in the process of getting a ball for themselves. Gus coveted Jack's ball to the degree that I was concerned he would attempt to destroy it as he has done to many of Jack's toys. In our house, if it's not Griffin it's Gus, he has a compulsion. Do I accept this? No, but I know the reality and that is what you have to contend with so I work within the parameters of nuttytown and buy a ball for Gus too.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The song remains the same

When, when I ask do you get a handle on it? I'm kind of getting the idea that even the prospect of feeling a consistent sense of control is for the feeble minded, or at best, drug addled. It is awesome when you feel as if you have it going on, but that stuff comes in spurts and then when you're out of the mode, you feel as though you had it for the last time, there will never be another chance and that's it.
The desire to have control over the decisions that people choose to make about their lives is at best bizarre.
I had written a letter to the FDA regarding the "Plan B " emergency contraception package and the delay of making it available to the public which is suspect to everyone apparently except for the we-will-kill-anyone-we-want administration. The response was both brilliant and terrifying. Now that, is consistency for you.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The lottery

Life can be heartbreaking when you watch people's lives take a turn. There is an older man who many of us at work have befriended. He is interested and interesting, active and a deep thinker.
Lately, he has had some physical deterioration. I used to see him when I went to the Y, he would be there every morning long before I got myself and whatever assortment of progeny I was dragging along with me. He would be playing basketball or working out on machines. Now, he can only move with tremendous effort and concentration. It's a brain to body thing. The messages are mangled, the communication off . He has some hope that a doctor will actually diagnose his situation correctly which has not yet happened.
I feel wrong these days, a little off, not on my game as it were and, I've been crying at pretty much any song I hear. I usually write this off to the moon or what house my planet is aligned with. No, I don't. Actually I just up my vitamin b intake and hope for the best. I know that our bodies can betray us, but the fact that our minds work in collusion is the clincher.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I beg to differ

When my kids put the vowel "a" at the end of a word, I consider it a whining issue. It goes something like , " Why do I have to put the dog out-a". When every word is punctuated with the "a" I consider it a war crime and call for a one way to "Gitmo".
The cluster issue is something that Eamon and I observe, lament and discuss frequently. If people aren't getting along, why do they end up in the same small area of a say a house or town or country. We really are seeking out the conflict or we'd just stay home, alone, in our rooms, in the dark.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Riding Dirty

How is it that an entire life of events, experiences and accomplishments can be eclipsed by one event? It's easy, especially with an impatient and limited audience.
All we know, most of us who are not in the fledgling oil industry that is, know J. Howard Marshall for the crumpled concupiscent 90 year old that was married to ANS. Not for his tenure as a dean at Yale Law School or as a teacher or anything else he may have been to countless people before he went with his urge.
My hope is that when I'm thought of or seen, it's not for one of the dumb ass mistakes I've made, like moving my family to Japan on a whim or for wearing ill fitting clothes, or for when I'm rough and hormonal with my boys. I hope it's a big picture kind of thing, which includes the fact that I bought them gushers when they asked.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Me and my arrow

Do all couples walk, or rather sit around espousing theories ranging from what it's called when you start to move out to the dance floor and you kind of start to dance as you're walking, "boogie-ing out to the dance floor", to how griffin revisits his abandonment and abuse by stuffing his ball under the couch where he can't reach it and then barks furiously until someone get it for him, I think not. I think most people spend a little time on the absurd, but that's where I live, in abusurdtown.
When Gus was in pre-school, he had a teacher, Mrs. Quentero, who was from Long Island. She had a thick and fabulous accent and after about two months in school, Gus came home talking like he was a native of lowng iyland as well. I in fact began to foster that accent, alas he lost it when he moved on to kindergarten.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

fries with that shake

Summer time and the living is just as rigorous. Jake is going to be going to summer school, Gus is working two days a week and going to baseball camp. Jack mr. self sufficient, except he forgets to feed himself, is just going about his business.
In July, Jack and I are going to the shore. He wants lobster and I want to recapture my childhood of beach living. Unfortunately, I have to pay a lot of money for these memories so I'm going to have to make it worthwhile, we will have fun goddamnit. I'm meeting my parents there, and that I am doing for some unconscious gestalt primal therapy thing because otherwise I have no idea why I would have invited them except to make it the worst possible experience of my life.
My parents were both professors of social work, which dis-enabled them to have any interest in parenting because they were taking care of everyone else and various other sundries. Eventually I will recover from the trauma, but for now I will revisit it and in the meantime, I am practicing the opposite of everything I know so that my kids can have their own unique brand of neurosis, which I've assigned with the moniker "your mom is a teenagemom." At least, there is a chance fun will be had; on a budget.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Husker Du

The first movie that I remember realizing that there were others like me, was An American Werewolf in London, Okay I'm not talking about the horror or gore elements exclusively, that would be a whole nother type of person. What I'm getting at here is the multiple levels of viewing and story line. There was humor, but it didn't take away from the serious nature of the being scared really bad component.
Now there are tons of movies that transcend the horror humor genre, but I remember the glee I felt in being introduced to any dimensionality of films in the mainstream. I'd had to sit through
eons of foreign and independent films of the late 70's and early 80's to garner some depth and philosophical intent but very few laughs. It was all so somber and solipsistic. But, the most tragic memory of all, is of sitting through two days of Berlin Alexanderplatz , and paying for it.

Monday, June 12, 2006

A brief stint

Where I work, there are all sorts of behaviors for your viewing pleasure. Today for example, I watched "the indifferent show" This is a rousing program where a parent ignores a child's hopes and dreams of borrowing a movie or a book in lieu of their own agenda of borrowing movies and books. I know this story from both ends. I've ignored and been. It's all a matter of perspective and where you come into the program. The problem of being a person, is that we always judge and expect never to be subjected to the standards of others. It's a quagmire if there ever where one.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

your place or mine

Tonight Eamon and I will be attending a 30th anniversary party for a friend of his from work,
its the "pearl" anniversary if anyone was wondering. Not an easy find that one, I ended up getting a picture frame with mother of pearl something or other inlay stuff surrounding it. Who keeps track of all this stuff, and why? The protocols of days gone by seem to still hold a standard in certain domains, such as weddings, anniversary's and 007 movies. I've always gone into observation mode during parties, never really being in the moment, but thinking about the artificial construct of people grouping together and then having a good time. I think it's called social anxiety disorder. I would like to just have fun, but there's way too much involved to make that happen, two of the boys have to be dropped off for safe housing, Jake will maintain his position in the basement in front of the TV, or better yet in my room watching some completely inappropriate movie I had bought home for myself and thought I hid well. Yes, the joy of our once a year outing it is upon us like a lead apron.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Refund the cost

How do you reconcile the good, the bad and the ugly when they rear their heads every bloody day of the week. Unconsciously I've lead my life of adulthood and parenting like my radio shows. It wasn't all about moods, though they did play a large part in the music choices. The show was a dialog, either with the larger group of people listening, or with a guy or myself. I played everything under the sun, and often was asked to explain the choices or defend them when they seemed to unusual for the venue. I naively thought that I could do what ever I wanted on the radio, within FCC standards of course, I angered the fellow I apprenticed with by playing the Fall . It was a 7" with tons of foul words. I philosophized on everything political, social and personal and I said, did and wore a lot of stupid shit. The problem I have is that it's all still in place. Every morning I wake with a hangover of too much of myself and all of my accoutrements, my mind, mouth and body. Cheers.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

rings around the town

I had forgotten how kids can make you feel completely out of control and embarrassed. The balance of bringing children into a public setting can be as precarious as nitro. When the boys were wee, and we'd go somewhere on a we've been shut in too long winter day, I'd sit to nurse Jack. Jake and Gus were close to three and five, they would take off in different directions. My first inclination after the heat hit my face, was that I wondered if rage could pass through breast milk. Then I would cover up, Jack squawking and hunt them down, seethe between my teeth and start again.
I wonder now, why I ever left the fucking house. There was a mall and it was small and manageable, not a malling mall. We could go there; Happy meal it for the boys and Asian for me. It was a veritable haven for an industrial wasteland winter mom. They recently tore it down.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

chopped liver

Today Gus graduated from middle school, jack was promoted from 5th grade to 6th, and Jake may have gone from 10th to 11th grade, depending on the way the wind blows. Gus received some awards during his 72 hour program. I busted out in tears when his teacher was sharing the this is your life moments of who the recipient was, and when she said this student read classics in his spare time, the waterworks became as relentless as Victoria falls.
As a student prior to college, I was lacking in very basic skills. I could read and write well but everything else was very fuzzy and inexact, which doesn't work well within the realm of math or science. There were no awards and during most any ceremony I was out back with my stoner friends smoking a blunt, a.k.a. doobie. So, any success on the boyos part is well received and over emoted.
At the start of the program, I had arrived before the old man to set out our tent and living supplies, Gus looked up at me and mouthed, "where's dad?" I replied with my pointer finger that he was coming toot suite. A few fempto seconds later, he asked again and I said " Hey, I'm here." Gus stared at me blankly.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Gus has been telling us that he wants to quit band. He's going into ninth grade and this would be his first year on the march. I know that he doesn't want to be a band geek and that is what's pulling him over to the dark side.
Now that I'm getting all of my advice on parenting from Shalom in the Home, it should be okay, because I am the one who's responsible for anything and everything that has and will happen to my children, so with that knowledge, I move forth. Except, Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations is on at the same time, so I switch back and forth and I may be mixing up the recipes with the advice. Either way, my goose is cooked

Monday, June 05, 2006


When I write my Senators, I feel that I'm actually doing what your supposed to do when you vote. Sure, I'm fooling myself, but what else can I do at this point, there has to be some communication between government and it's alleged constituents.
Leave people the fuck alone. What on earth does this administration keep it's nose out of. The "Marriage Protection Amendment , just another name for let us mess with you some more, How do senators not stay home in Washington, because they've laughed so hard they make themselves sick. I'm going on a tangent here but the audacity to take on any other subject but the lives being lost, the money and time being wasted and the sheer revulsion of the rest of the world due to the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan is as usual beyond any reason in this space time continuum. Well, now I'll talk to Gus about it and he can set me straight.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

long horn cow

When the weekend began, I had the first two days off in a row that I've had since January. Though, I did have a three day Memorial Day weekend, but it was chock full of obligation.
These last two days, Eamon and I and, with some sporadic help from the fellas, got our garden ready and planted vegetables, tomatoes, cukes, peppers and pumpkins. We already had some strawberries growing that I only found when I moved half a fathom of weeds away. I made fresh strawberry margaritas out of them and we felt like we had a life or something. Anyway, the best part of the weekend was my purchase of a 17" Black and Decker electric hedge trimmer. I got home too late last night to get up in that shit, This morning it was raining and I moped. Then, the clearing and I was off. It was a very satisfying experience, but it's good that I'm not a mohel because I was somewhat enthusiastic and the yard looks like it just joined up.
Perhaps, a future in sheep shearing..

Saturday, June 03, 2006


A friend at work told me about a no kill animal sanctuary in Utah. This would be an ideal setting for Griffin. When I tell people that Griffin gets nervous and instead of checking to see if his penis is still there, like so many males do, he checks to see if it's still working and pees everywhere in my house. I've tried to curb this, and I know he knows that he will get in trouble if I catch him, but it usually happens when one of his cohorts, as in Jake, Gus, or Jack let him roam around on his own when I am not at home.
I go through rounds of wanting to send him away. Oddly enough he is the most wonderful dog I've ever imagined having barring the pee-fests and stranger danger biting desire. But it's extremely hard to reconcile keeping an animal that makes my house smell like a swap meet gone mad crazy wrong. I guess it's like any relationship with a fellow, you'll always have to clean the floor at some point.

Friday, June 02, 2006

blow this

I'm not alarmed or surprised that people will act ways in a group that they would never do as an individual. I've been aware of this phenomenon from childhood , not just from a personal perspective, but growing up and learning of the Holocaust . My problem is I don't understand how it happens. I've seen the sheeple just follow blindly, but to the degree of killing or hurting people or animals I will never be able to relate.
When I was in high school , there was an event called Senior Day, it was inane and not very interesting, but there were two guys there who were dressed up in medical scrubs, they were out in "the courtyard" and had a chicken which they proceeded to try and decapitate.
People stood around silently, hundreds of them, I went over to them and screamed at them to stop and had to physically intervene.
Later people said, dozens of them, that they were so relieved that I had done that. I on the other hand spent many nights weeping and lamenting not getting involved more quickly. Of course you stop someone from doing awful shit. Even if the Supreme Court tells you not to. It doesn't feel righteous or grand, it's just totally fucking necessary.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

You don't know me

When people who are my friends seek information or input, they will often ask me. I take this seriously. I think they just want to talk out their stuff and I'm here to listen. We all do this, it's really what therapy is, to enable yourself by speaking the un-speakable.
I watched Munich last night, I had just put it on to have something to fold laundry by but ended up being mildly surprised by it's power. What I'm talking about is the essences of the era being transmitted. It was full of all sort of foxy fellows gone seventies mad. I lived in Turkey in 1969, and though the event was three years later, Europe and Asia looked exactly as shown. The actual interest I had in the movie begins with Eric Bana. Years ago he was in a movie called Chopper. This was one of those things you watch and forget it's a movie. He was fantastic and compelling and an oddly likeable sociopath, based on a true life said sociopath.
I think that everything is relative. Thusly, I don't feel so crazy today because I got to watch a bunch of crazy last night.