Saturday, May 31, 2014

I'd trade it for more

Perception is the forgotten filter.  And, as I age, I’m trying hard to remember that all of the world I see, is through my subjective framework, and not  as it seems from any other angle from which it is viewed.  In other words, no one perceives  anything quite the same.  I know that there are  a few people whom  I connect with and we latch on to a similar set of viewpoints and  paradigms.  As in all relationships, one hopes to find  similar or like minded people, but what I mean, is more than basic ideas or philosophies, more of a connection that transcends the obvious and touches on the intangible.

Friday, May 23, 2014

A day in the life of a fool

Recently, A movie and a book, have provoked some unexpected  emotional,  and Orphic  reverberations  for me.
I’ll start with In the Land of the Living, What I didn’t know when I started to read it, is that the book took place where I lived as a child and teen.  In the most literal of possible ways, the area in which I grew up, the locality, the specific points of reference that managed to evoke  a loneliness with  such a specific geography and history,  that I was wrecked.
Austin Ratner, wrote a book that may have saved me.  Sincerely, I’ve remembered feelings and predicaments that left me scarred but without  an origin, just a general memory, now made more clear, and precise, then I would have ever imagined.  The isolated, misanthropic,  and self conscious main character cracked the code of my own feelings of inadequacy, and lament of failure, and loss,  acutely.
Inside Llewyn Davis also harkens back to a collection of memories, that coincide with activism, hope, and oddly, neglect. My parents, like many others in the late fifties and sixties, were swept up in the political/musical  movement of folk and pop performers.  As it was a volatile time, and the sense of clampdown and stronghold monopoly of business-government and a burgeoning media’s  naïveté, brought the Vietnam war and social movements into the mainstream, as opposed to the present status of distance and invisibility.
I think the movie does an extraordinary job of presenting both a personal story of an artist, and the lack of value within pop culture, that one without a “hook” ends up losing out to the mediocre and superficial.
So there.

Monday, May 19, 2014

I've been here

Control is everything.  Even with kindness, which is a mechanism of it, when we think that we are helping or giving guidance or advice, it’s a form of control and that, puts me in a very limited place in that everything about me, from my need to help, my watchfulness, assistance, advice, sharing, directing, bossing, and ultimately controlling everything I possibly can, boils down to pretty much nothing.
I’ve been going to yoga classes, and every once in a while I go away.  The peace there, the utter, quiet of not trying to figure something out is brief, and intangible.
I want to stop looking, seeing, thinking, figuring out, and to expand that  moment into maybe two or three.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

What is left

I’m having a hard time.  And knowing, that this information is nothing new, is the hardest part of that.
I’ve been me all my life, too introspective, a meta-liver, all along.
After fifty one years of it, I’m exhausted.  Add hormonal changes and a giant dog, and you’ve got a bit of a mess.
Yet, my expectations are still high, I look forward to things, even work which at best ,is  an operose journey right now.
When I didn't get the job I interviewed for, many people around me expressed their disappointment and wonder, and some shared that it was for a reason, or there is something better waiting for me.  I love that some can think that way, or rationalize or actually don’t rationalize, the experience, but I do.
Maybe I have to make that thing that’s better happen.  One thing I am not good at, and or don’t have a handle on, is exactly that , taking steps to change in a way that can actually be measured, and not in the theoretical, which is where I live.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Running, and running, and running, and stop

We are the parents of a college graduate   For some, that’s not such a big deal, but in the picture at which I look, especially with  the amount of distraction, not limited to, but including, digital and social,  it’s an  achievement worthy of a conversation, or a blog post at least.
Gus, who has almost entirely managed his own life for the last two years, is now in the process of determining, not only his near future, but the one that comes after that as well.
Of course, I have been putting a measured amount of pressure regarding choosing Graduate school  as opposed to taking some time off, but he seems to have a lot up his sleeve, and based on last week's lesson from Jacob, I’ll have to manage my own obsessive  thinking and let him listen to his own.