Monday, October 29, 2007

Play upon our hearts

I have a friend who died Saturday, and she was just a bright light that delighted me every time I saw her. She was 90 and she had driven into a building and broke both arms and legs, facial bones and had other internal injuries. She actually had been improving over the last few days in the hospital but she was a tiny lady and very frail so I imagine it was hard for her body to withstand all of that trauma.
I actually had come upon the accident minutes after it happened, but didn't know it was she who was involved. I had just been talking to her at the library, we shared some stories and then she left, and I soon followed. For the first time in my life that I can remember, I had a physical reaction when I found out the news and I think that's because I realized I had seen the wreckage and it was violent. Sylvia was old enough that the people I work with can rationalize that it's not as tragic because of her long life. On a few levels I agree, but for the most part, no, she had a lot of time left in her, she was spry and vital and it's just a huge loss to not have her here.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Chance of a lifetime

Another item to file under the "it only could happen to me" category.
I had to get a tetanus shot yesterday, not more then a week after I got the flu vaccine. And why pray tell did I have to balance out the inability to use an arm for a week phase of my life? My pink eye is not so cheery after all, it's actually an infection that may have been caused by the large rusty nail I shoved, no sorry that's Saw IV, it could be some sort of ocular tetanus. Okay so I'm out for the count, but wait there's more. In 2005 the powers that be, them that hold all the money and influence that is, decided to bundle the pertussis, diphtheria and third times a charm as I mention it again, tetanus and a little mercury for good measure into a super shot. Not being a super person, I didn't need all that mess, yet somehow it wasn't mentioned that I'd be getting a nice cocktail until after I nodded off and was handed the DHHS disclaimer regarding the options of home health care for my now even more brain damaged self. So, none of that is actually the problem. What really begins to suck is that after I had done all of my hand wringing, Eamon had to add his angst to the pot, which manifests itself into some sort of anger issue and withdrawal which as far as I'm concerned is all too familiar and down home comfy for my own good. I guess the plus is that I won't have to update my blog anymore because I probably won't know I have one, yet I kind of enjoy sharing the irrelevancies of my life, so I'm hoping not be the 1 in a million who actually is adversely affected beyond a few days of discomfort.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Just a little out of reach

I had forty five free minutes today and I used it up watching a Lifetime movie. Now, I will make the excuse that Adrien Brody was in it, so it actually looked like it was something legitimate, but then it degenerated into some shit about this woman wanting to mix her pleasure with pain and some sort of mess about finding clarity by coming clean with the bad guy about her hidden darker self. Um, no, and then also there is never an old wizened bartender who straightens you out when you're bent out of shape by offering sage advice; nope, it doesn't happen; nevertheless, these movies keep playing the note and we keep listening. Life is not just like TV or the movies, but I keep hearing more and more people compare their lives to Seinfeld episodes. Perhaps a little clarity, it's all about what really happens, but does not fit neatly into 22 minutes, that, is the actual sad part, no commercial sponsorship.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

If you knew my story word for word

I went out last night with a friend, it was impromptu and those experiences tend to be the best ones. I partied hard and for me that's a glass and a half of wine and I'm under the table. Actually I'm revealing all of the stuff you do under the influence of a substance that you are highly allergic to. I hardly partake, perhaps once every few months at the most. But, it effects me at the first taste and I usually make sure I'm in a controlled environment so that I'm not around my children, and I have a ride home. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and have enormous issues of betrayal because my mom drinks and disregarded that it made her a monster and me her captive audience for most of my childhood.
All of the negative issues aside, part of who I am and my world view comes from having to take care of myself and be in control of my world because no one else was there to do that for me. In all it's not such a horrible thing, it's just gets a little old in that it's all genetically predisposed even before the appetizers arrive.
The best part of the evening, was standing in the parking lot and listening to my current favorite song on my car stereo at full volume. This is a posh neighborhood so I got to feel subversive and that's always fun even though no one noticed.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I'm never gonna dance again

I'm thinking that the last one was my worst post ever. I guess I'm glad I got that out of the way.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Lately I'm a desperate believer

Last year, actually it's almost a year and a half now, when I got sick and knew there had to be some "lifestyle" changes, I also knew that the success rate with these sort of endeavours is pretty darn low; and, in knowing that, I had to deal with defeat before the victory ever took place.
Understanding that, and realizing the challenge is a somewhat all encompassing experience in that weight loss is such a complicated ball of fury that discussing it seems trivial when it actually is a huge cultural phenomenon and I'm not even talking about the business end, is just sad and a huge waist of time. Yet, bright, interesting, deep thinking people spend time, and time and way too much time thinking about it, talking and or yearning for a solution. Ultimately, somewhere, and at some point in our development, this is where we got stuck. I'm ready for my goo-gone application, because, I'm ready to move on to perhaps something more profound, such as, what exactly is a wide stance.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

She fills her head with culture

I've reasoned that there is no category for me. I've kind of transcended so many parameters that I've come to the point of fitting in nowhere and sort of anywhere. An example would probably be helpful in that I'm about as clear as silt.
In the past I've blathered on about how I tend to hang with the fellas. Well as we grow older and pair off, I've still maintained friendships with men. Now, Eamon is also friends with my male friends, yet that might not work if it was reversed in that I'm an insecure mushy mess, and I would be jealous if he fraternized with the ladies, but I'm still working on that and hope to overcome those issues. Anyway when I talk about my maladjustment, I've noticed that if you are very close friends with a man in an environment such as work or any setting where there is some intellectual freedom and room for conversation, then you come together in a social setting, where you are with spouses, then there is this sort of awkward stumbling to not act too familiar. It's odd and I'm sure not new for anyone who has a life, but I don't get out much so I thought I'd mention it in two hundred words or less.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Its just an old war

I'm often trying to convince people to do what I think is best for them, or to watch something I know they'll like or listen to music that rocks the house so hard it must be heard by all. Most often I'm ignored. That's okay, except that letting that be okay with me is kind of symptomatic of the reason people don't take me very seriously. I'm a joker, I make funny everywhere I go so the combination of humor and pedestrian logician leaves me in the dust behind inane and the worker bees keeping diligent for a cause and or effect.
The dichotomy is apparent. I'm either funnin or dead serious and deep, there is little room in my small shallop for the in between. That's why on so many occasions I go into stand up routine, because I'm no good at the busy talk.
Watching the movie Broken English last night, I was gripped with empathy for the difficult and highly uncomfortable moments that come with dating and or new friendships. Sometimes that chasm is portrayed so well, it makes for physical discomfort, even when your sitting and watching with your man of twenty years, if it's written and acted with a level of accuracy, you are right there, in the game slogging through relationships anew and all too messy.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The only game you know

Without a doubt the best actor award needs to be put in the oddly endearing hands of Kurt Russel for his dexterous take on Stuntman Mike in Death Proof, Quentin Tarantino's overlooked and profoundly unique and fetching ode to all the movies I saw at the Shaker Theater in the 70's. He was so good, and awful that he made complex look easy which makes me happy for he and Goldie.
There is much more to the movie, lots of good acting, action dialog and music, it's the Big Kahuna of tributes to an era that was kind of ugly yet somewhat cool at the same time. And, it comes with the twist of a modern sensibility and witty repartee. It was cheeky in that it changed the dynamic of the type of conversations and situations that generally have been populated with men, and had them take place with women using dialog and bellicose execution with a satisfying crunch.

Friday, October 05, 2007

That's the end of the joke

In honor of Breast Cancer awareness month I'm doing my part with a nice case of pink eye. It looks so much nicer then those little ribbons. I jest of course. I know that at times humor is my only resource whether I'm tense, sick, just being funny or nervous, it's always going to be the automatic response in most situations. I went to Jack's school to pick up his homework as he is also feeling viral. When I went into the office, or lion's den rather, there was a pile of books that equaled k2 at the least. So as I was walking over towards it, I exclaimed, "Oh my." And the Secretary whom I've trained to greet me with a friendly demeanor ever since I wrote to the vice principle about how she scowled at kids and parents alike as they asked for any sort of information, she said, "Don't be alarmed, he might only need one of two of them but we get all of the books out of the locker just in case." My response was "Thanks, I guess." And she proceeded to guffaw as if I'd actually meant to make a joke, which I indeed had not.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

We're gonna find something

I thought for a long time that I was satisfied being a friend to someone that I actually was in love with. Also, the illusion that it was an undetected crush, is a little naive, but I was in junior high and then high school, so I'll forgive that transgression and just dwell on what a waste of time it was and how much effort I would put into driving these guys around, being charming and funny, holding in my stomach and choking on the fact that they had crushes on other girls and were oblivious at least on a conscious level that I was devoted. I do think that there is an element of power to some degree, in that they must know that they can do with you what they will because either you love them or have a learning disability. I was the quintessential heavy girl who was satisfied with the friendship of guys, and could relate to them well, but that was where it ended for them, they just took advantage of the opportunity. There had been fellows who actually showed interest in me, and unfortunately, I must have thought that was going to be just to darn easy to pursue.