Sunday, January 30, 2011

What was left after that

Picture, if you will a very busy afternoon at the library. It's bright and sunny as one entire wall is made up of windows. Then narrow your view to one man, youngish, pleasant looking, sitting at an Internet station in the middle of a crowded area of others doing similar things. And that, is where I come in.
A man came over to the reference desk and said, "this is kind of a sensitive topic" and then he knelt down to whisper what I thought was going to be a question of a personal nature, health, financial, some such; it wasn't, he told me that there was a young man viewing pornography at one of the computers.
Now, normally many of our savvy viewers of the salacious, see one of us coming over and toggle away from what they were rolling with, but as I approached this fellow, he was just sitting there leaning back and watching what turned out to be some very gentle, hairy and not at all "normal" pornography. I just stood there for a five or so seconds, watching in awe as regular looking people did not do degrading things to each other when I remembered that he had to stop what he was doing. So I told him that, and he said he would comply. I asked another librarian to check him a few minutes later and I heard her say, "didn't someone speak to you already about not viewing this type of thing in the library?" He said no. I laughed and shut his computer off remotely because I have that kind of power.
I was kind of taken aback by the not so awful nature of his choice of viewing pleasure, just the venue, and then I was equally disturbed at how the level and acceptance of abhorrent behavior on my part, has gradually deteriorated.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Gain so low

Entertainment has won, beyond anything; logic, news, information, critical thinking, the bottom line has become what can keep us interested long enough to hold us over to the next thing. There's nothing acutely wrong with that, unless it's what becomes all that matters. Unfortunately I think that may be the case, especially for generations that continue to live in the immediate and exclusively tangible age.
As a diversion from work and the repetition of life, we have to find peace in the "arts" but when the constant chatter of fail videos, reality tv and pedestrian indulgence are just that, gratification of the three year old inside of us demanding and impatient as ever, then, well, that's when I put my foot down and say, yes, I've become an old lady.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

And buy the right stuff

Old people are invisible. I had two people come up and ask me a question at the desk at work, when I already had an older man standing there and talking to me. They just kind of look around the person as if he where an object merely blocking their view.
On Sunday, Gus and his singing group performed at a retirement community. Eamon, Jack and I got to go see them. Of course it became an excuse for me to analyze the nature of institutions, (they are all the same on many levels), and it afforded us the chance to go out to eat and do east side things.
We had some time to kill so we went into a store to look at things we didn't need. after about ten minutes I was done and started to look around for the others.
As I was rounding up the boys, I looked over to see Eamon leaning up against a large display shaped like a cube, he was trying to scratch his back up against the unit, but hadn't realized it was on wheels. The moment I looked at him he was moving back with this giant monolith going right along with him. He looked at me right then with the, of course you are seeing me do this look I've come to know on so many occasions.
Though it was not the highlight of the evening, the singing provided that, but happening upon him in the act of merely trying to take care of a simple thing and providing me with an image that will be both an instant laugh and sort of an intimate moment makes for a double win.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Fun fun

It's all luck, every ounce of it, every bit. I'll have to explain now, make my points, try to convince everyone, including myself of the conjecture. But, that's what I'm here for.
I'll begin with the obvious; looks and station. There are ways of course to enhance both, no matter what the situation. However, if your not born into an opportunity for either getting an education, or even eating regularly, what are the odds that much improvement can even be made?
Jack kind of reached the end of his coping abilities earlier this week. He let loose a torrent of rage, sadness, frustration and loss regarding his experiences in high school with friends, teachers, his strengths, or lack thereof and talent. He did not hold back as far as I could tell and ultimately I offered to home school him because there was no reason for him to remain in an environment that was causing so much pain and very little reward. He declined and we went further into how I knew that it wasn't fair that he is small, or under appreciated and often overlooked.
I guess just acknowledging that his perspective was valid was really the best I could do, and apparently enough to stave off a harder fall. And, as my midwife said to me after about 23 hours of back labor, 'when you've really had all you can take, that's when things begin to change", a shift did take place, like the next day. Jack got a part in the spring play. He had given the auditions his all, and was rewarded with not a huge role, but a significant one and in some ways more important than I'm sure could have possibly been intended.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Dream comfort memory

The negative voice in my head has been so very loud of late. Stuck on a groove of, too much debt, too much food, too much stuff to do.
It usually commences early in the morning, I often get up just to distract myself from the litany.
But, yesterday I didn't I just wondered out loud what the fucking problem was. It's not as if I'm not doing my best or at least a reasonable job most of the time. I kind of talked myself down from blame that is unfounded, anger that's pointless and decided some sense needed to be made of the whole process.
When I got home from work last night, I spoke to Eamon about it, he wondered, as it was happening a lot in the morning, if it was perhaps low blood sugar. Sure, that could be part of the problem, but really the struggle is greater and it needs to be addressed. I already gave the vox a moniker; a few years ago, an old co-worker from hell fit the bill, but now, I have to expand that to the parts of me that enable the slurry of doubt, blame and helplessness to have a venue, or a soap box on which to stand. I'll call it; Kong!

Friday, January 07, 2011

Through parking lots

The United States is like the Benjamin Button of countries. It started out with a clear picture and a sense or purpose of an egalitarian model, and has de-evolved into a place where the top few percent have or are attaining a stranglehold on the wealth, political power and the resources, and at least fifty percent of the population is making that happen, either unknowingly or with some bazaar sense of purpose. To not coin a phrase, we are turning into a third world country.

From whence do these thoughts come? Well, they are always there, especially when I'm driving around because that's where I really see people at their worst. But really from Jacob going to California yesterday.
I think that he would really prefer to live there, and at another time, that would have been such an easy choice, just get in the car and go. However, with the current and probably permanent challenge of finding a job with a living wage, especially in a state like Ca, there is much more room for concern, which translates to; I'm not sure if I want him to go.
Now if we hearken back to around five years ago, at the start of this junket, one might have sensed another tone. As for today, I'm changing my tune.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Things they do

Until you're old, you don't know that being young is like having money in the bank. Growing old adds to the deficit, especially for women; even those of us who haven't necessarily gotten far on their looks.
I don't know how else to say that. But, aging is the one thing that kind of binds us all, whether we were aware of our impact or just rolling along, regardless of the intent or effort, when we cross a certain threshold it becomes acute.
Eamon, Jack and I watched Joan Rivers a Piece of Work a few nights ago. And it was hard for me to get past the artificial and really grotesque appearance of what used to be a relatively normal looking person, but once I did, and this is where it gets strange, I felt an enormous amount of compassion for her and I guess any women who think they have to be louder, funnier and first to deprecate themselves in order to prevent it from coming from someone else, or at least to preempt it and give someone more of an obvious reason for any comment or action.