None of what you hear

Throughout my life, starting as far back as I can remember I've theorized. Not just thought about things, but come up with theories as to the origins of behavior, the deeper meaning behind events and experiences. All to what end? I think I've come up with an answer. It's in order to separate myself from living the actuality of the event, feeling or episode.
Whether that has served me or not, I'll really never know, but the outcome is irrelevant because even when I share them with my like minded husband or friends, or in this venue, the relevance is lost in a matter of moments as we move on to the next.
I'm not saying it's all meaningless, the salience has helped me to sustain a logical and rational approach to living that remains the strongest and most relevant part of my foundation. What does confuse me, is why I examine and challenge the choice of living on the surface, with the assumption that it is actually a matter of free will.

What did you learn today

Saturday morning I went to a meeting; I'm not much a a "meeting" person. I tend to over think or feel outside of most organizational events so I just don't make a habit of being a part of anything.
Nevertheless, how I ended up there made me think it might be in the stars for me to go, and it was a good thing, though the process was pretty ugly.
I had been working on a day I wouldn't normally be and someone came in and asked about putting up a flyer for a group. Because I happened to be there that day I saw the subject matter, read about their philosophy and decided to go.
When I got there, though there was supposed to have been a sign at the main entrance of the building, there wasn't so I ended up enlisting someone to help me find my way, when we arrived at the door, the assembly had already started and I walked in to critical and strange looks. It pretty much went downhill from there, no it very much went off a cliff. Apparently, though some of the group felt the need to try and recruit new members, others were not at all interested in expansion and they were clearly threatened. But, all that made me come to some conclusions about power and obsession as in, if you merely replace the old stuff with something new, how far have you really come.

Still on the payroll

When is karma a bitch? Because, I'm waiting for some results, and wondering when and if there is an actual comeuppance for anyone. I do actually know there isn't, it's the the people that expect fairness and a sort of justice in the universe that are naive and in my case delusive , in that it's actually a belief that someone or something is keeping a tally, so in essence what it really means when we expect life to be balanced and measured, is that we believe in God.
Well, that's interesting. Finally a little honesty and introspection has made me understand that I hope in something rather than have a strong credence.
This all surrounds some incidents, well actually a lifetime of trying hard to do the right thing with a conclusion that I'm doing it to be able to live with myself as opposed to what others are expecting of me. Hence, because those expectations are arbitrary chemical fluctuations both hormonal and mood sensitive, it depends on the day.

You have missed an opportunity

Welcome to Applebee's how can I help you.
Today the library got pagers. These are for the people who would rather not have to sit and watch the LED screen that's nearby the 26 computers to see when their numbers come up for them to use the Internet. Now instead, they can sit and watch their pagers, because they are not going to browse, they are not going to read books or take items out, they are just going to wait, and maybe go to the bathroom and drop one of them in the toilet.
In theory this may have been a good idea, but when you work with the public every day, you kind of get a sense of their motivation and desires; also their level of hygiene comes to mind, so handling an object that actually will soon be lost or left in a pocket gets a little yucky when you think about it. Actually the one thing that irks me about this is that we didn't know. Around a year ago there was mention of the possibility, I have a vague recollection of that. But this morning when the lacking in communication skills whatsoever ITD guys came in to "train us" on using our new tools, it was the first mention; and I did canvas my fellow staff so I'm not being my usual resistant self. Do you want fries with that?

I know all the trouble

In the last week, two people have candidly told me, without any inquiry or interest on my part, that they, or in one case, their husband, shaves all of their body hair.
Is it something about me, do I invite full disclosure about personal, fetishistic behaviors? If so, I want to unlearn that quality. I want to be the person no one tells anything to, that's not really it, I want my friends or family to tell me things, not people I've just met, or my esthetician when I am literally a captive audience.
I wonder if it's for the shock value or just a matter of fact thing. I don't get it either way. The level of vigilance and attention to detail to do that to one's entire person is something I can't even fathom.
I guess for each of us there is a point at which we cannot tolerate certain aspects of the human condition. Mine, just might be everyone else.

I would never regret

There is a man who has been coming to the library lately, he is a "preacher", and takes every opportunity to hand out his postcards with his proselytizations and bible quotes. He maintains a website from what it looks like when I have glanced over at him working on the computers.
Yesterday, a young woman who was well endowed but also not older than fifteen was working with her mom on a computer. She would every once in a while walk around to get paper or some such action. Every time she did, our resident man of God would watch her every move.
This struck me as somewhat inappropriate. Let me guess, the devil got a hold of him and he had no control over his actions, or perhaps, she was wicked and luring him away from his calling.
Either way, the people who portend that religion is there life are, as far as I'm concerned more loathsome than the regular guy who is equally unseemly yet doesn't impersonate someone who claims to have a higher calling yet is deficient of any moral premise.

One with no doubt

Way too much death around here lately, and it has nothing to do with the backyard. Last week Eamon's uncle, who lived in Canada died. There is a new chapter in my life, and it's called; "What happens when someone dies in another country and their family want him to be buried here." Well, it takes about a week to get everything worked out. The the funeral was yesterday, which is also the day a friend of mine, who was diagnosed with a terminal illness weeks after he retired, passed away. I started baking after that news, not for his wife because I'm sure she's well stocked, but because I just had to function, just keep myself busy with measuring and physical stuff.
I've been trying not to anaesthetise myself of late, that can include candy and gum for me, which when I say that it sounds so irrelevant, but it's not, sugar is my my go to source of any comfort and numbing. I'm trying to let as much of that go as possible , and just let it all sit with me. Nice timing.