All the errors and mistakes

I've tried to direct the events that surround me for most of my young and adult life. I guess one might consider that a control issue.
On the other hand, it was, for a long time a learned manipulation of reality. It wasn't so things could go my way or so that I could prosper. So, what I don't understand is why it came to be such an colossal aspect of my personality.
Yesterday, I asked Eamon, and under duress, he pruned our Japanese maple in the front yard. Except, he didn't prune it he vivisected it and then it cried. Sap fell from what was left of the branches the sound was heartbreaking, yet even though I had tried to explain to Eamon that I just wanted him to trim the top, he kept insisting that he had to cut from the bottom in order to do that. We did have a failure to communicate, and he insists that he did what I asked, but I did not imagine the end result, and for the first time, really, the first time, he did not get what I was saying, not in the least.

Looks out of place

My Aunt died Tuesday. I had absolutely no relationship with her for the last twenty years, and I now realize that had everything to do with some ancient bullshit that happened between my mom and she, some rivalry that had no place in the present day, but shaded the next generation which prohibited us from having any kind of presence in our cousin's lives.
It's not like we come from a large family, she was the only sibling between both sides, so no we didn't get lost in the mix of a vast group we just believed my Mom when she told has she'd been wronged. But, the problem is my mom always feels like she's been wronged. Even though she manipulates many situations and antagonizes and baits people to act in ways they never would in other circumstances. Unfortunately, I'm realizing this now, or at least paying attention to it, so perhaps it won't happen again.
I tried to get a plane to be at her funeral but the prices made it impossible, my friend, who lives in the same town, offered to attend in my stead, which gives me hope that I haven't made the same blunders in my world of friends and family or, that she had nothing better to do than bring coffee cake to complete strangers.

Just the other day

"Are you having a fun vacation, oh, look how they've grown, and so polite."
This and so much more I could share, is the assortment of exclamations we got when I took the fellas to the library yesterday so I could pick some things up from work. It's spring break, and for us that means a lot of together time. I am trying to be patient, but I've also picked this as the week to ween them of of the 360, in terms of a challenge, I could compare it to heroin but it wouldn't be sufficient. Jake is in his chaos is the way to go mode, Jack and Gus are aligning against him, and I get to be the moderator-referee-sheriff none of which I have training or experience, yet apparently being a mom for 18 years fits all of the criteria and expertise needed.
The other aspect of this charming restbite, is that each of them has their complaints and comparisons as to why nothing we do, anywhere we go and whatever we see, is not as good as what their friends are doing. And I tell them the truth about that, they are absolutely right.

You're an office park with no trees

"I will not serve"
Apparently, Satan said this to God when he was having some trouble, or a power struggle if you will.
In my house the struggle is constant, and Eamon and I wonder if it's because of the the lack of religious study, or another sort of constant regarding anything more than school or activities.
My children will not serve, or at least Jake and Jack don't feel the need. Gus will put up an argument, compare his workload to his little brother's and fuss a while, but he'll do the job he's been asked.
I never think work is beneath me, and that is best illustrated with a story of my tenure as a training coordinator for the Orange County Sheriff's department.
The Department had seized this amazing ranch in southern Orange County, there was the requisite drug bunker and much leather furniture, in addition to lots of off road vehicles and just general Scarface-like paraphernalia.
So, when the First Bush, senior that is was going to pay a visit to the county and hand over a big check of probably half of the real sum they found, the powers that be decided to hold the event at the ranch.
For weeks I spoke to secret service agents, coordinated communication and was an all around person to go to.
When the event day finally arrived, there were 5 gallon coffee urns that had to be carried and delivered to the ranch; full of coffee, because there was no way to make it there. So, who got to carry those? Me of course, and then clean them out when it was all over. It may not be illustrated well here, but I've only been above one thing in my life, and that's absolutely nothing.

These bright lights

I have a friend who has a friend who is very close to death, as in a day or two. The irony of that is that any of us could and can be. When my Grandfather, my Mom's Dad had suffered an aneurysm, he was in the hospital on a death watch. Meanwhile, my Grandmother my Dad's Mom, in great shape, good health and a spitfire, had a massive heart attack and died. That kind of threw me off track for awhile. I was all geared up for one loved one to go and then the Gal who was one of the only people to ever show me any love and adoration ended up being the person we lost.
Death is a wiley thing, it hangs out right there in the background and sometimes makes it's way forward, to make a point, or to do what is just unfortunately in all it's triteness, an action that is a part of life.

Dream maker

You know the cows have come home when in a movie the grizzled, pragmatic, seen it all Texas Sheriff, speaks about how things have changed for the worse, and to such a degree, that it's never going to be okay. In No Country for Old Men, Tommy Lee Jones, is as far as I can tell the person, place or thing this story is really about.
The movie gave me a view into how generations look at the up and coming and see chaos and mayhem, and probably, rightfully so. The evolution or de in some cases, is defined by the decreasing courtesies and protocols that make up societal behaviors. So as an example, when youngins don't know that they are supposed to have some sense of decency regarding how they treat other people, then pretty much there is going to be no frame of reference for what is expected and how to live within those guidelines.

Pound for pound

Either I'm nuts or it's the rest of the world. Hmm. let me guess. Yes, it's the the latter. I'm on the straight and narrow.
Here's why; Jack is on his third death threat and this one, oddly enough was on the bathroom wall. So, that it's not just words floating in the air anymore, we have a nice picture, because the Vice Principle had the original message erased before anyone who might want to check it as evidence, had an opportunity. The not so bright kid, with a father who's got a record as long as his arm, and who hasn't always wanted to say that, the fellow who is a little dim, said these things the first two times in front of some of his forthright classmates bless his little heart. Now, the school is checking papers to do some handwriting analysis. And the topper came last night when the Principle called me to ask if perhaps Jack had done it himself, in order to get Charles Manson Jr. in trouble. I think not I said but checked anyway with my child who would never think to fuck with another person unless it was Gus. The problem, the real nitty gritty problem, is that beyond my general anxiety disorder, I have some additional anxiety, THAT SOMEONE IS GOING TO KILL MY CHILD. And, I'm just not sure how to act under these circumstances. Perhaps there is a Your Child is on a Hit list for Dummies guide I could pick up and Borders, with my reward card and a 20% discount.

And it was clear

So, who did Eliot Spitzer piss off enough for them to start reeling him into what has become the best way to be the most reviled person of the week. Well, as far as I can tell it's the George Bushmeister. I initially thought it was because in 2002 Spitzer went after the administration regarding the negation of the Clean Air Act. But with a little more Woodward and Bernstein up my sleeve. I found the real and most potent inducement. Bush not only allowed Predatory lenders to bring us into this fine mess of a mortgage crisis, he and his band of merry men invoked an" obscure clause from the 1863 National Bank Act to issue formal opinions preempting all state predatory lending laws, thereby rendering them inoperative. The OCC also promulgated new rules that prevented states from enforcing any of their own consumer protection laws against national banks. The federal government's actions were so egregious and so unprecedented that all 50 state attorneys general, and all 50 state banking superintendents, actively fought the new rules. "
To no avail; thus the crisis we are currently experiencing was being aggressively researched and investigated, by you guessed it The prostitutional Mr. Spitzer. So, that's why we know today, in the midst of an investigation, lest someone else think of going after our leader; Spitzer is just fodder and a warning shot.

That's been known to change the weather

There is nothing like an extreme to make a person feel the deep anxiety of claustrophobic proportion. There are feet of snow, not inches outside the door. Cappy and the Crazy Eye Turk are up to their gnomish heads in snow that shows no chance of ending any time soon. And being in the moment as most of us are, it can be a bit on the overwhelming side of the fence.
Eamon and I were talking about how that if you begin to talk about weather with gravity and in a serious way, that's when you know life is pretty much going to be full of Metamucil and Polident.

Is that you Dalton

I love Patrick Swayze, no matter what, no matter what anybody says or thinks of me. He is the king of cheeze and Roadhouse is the best good/bad movie ever made. Dirty Dancing has a place in my heart but that's only because it's about a sort of unconventional looking girl whom a very studly guy falls for which for many of us is always a stretch, but never the less a welcome story line.
So, I guess he is not well and has a serious prognosis which brings me to the real point of this post; We expect people in the public eye to kind of be here forever, which obviously is somewhat unrealistic, except for the part about them being immortalized on film and all.

Back for a day

If you are from the Midwest perhaps the first day of warm weather phenomenon is a familiar notion. It's when, if you wear tank tops, it's time to pull one out, or perhaps short shorts and flip flops. It's when the windows of the car are all left open and bad music pours out.
There is actually an abrasiveness to the day because nothing is muffling the sounds like tons of snow, or a hat. I just never get it together fast enough to wear my least wintry outfit, and by the time I pull something out of a crate or some such, it's cold again. I'm not really lamenting the quick switch button, what I lack in being ready for the weather I make up for fully with my ability to match many shades of black.