With all the lies in the books

Jacob and I were shopping at Giant Eagle and were perusing the cracker isle when this sort of emo, gothish, cute pixie girl walked by and gave him the eye, which he returned and then checked out my disposition, in order to yell at me for whatever it was. A few minutes later, I felt someone brush past me and it was the girl again, kind of putting herself between me and he and she started to tell him how cute his piercings were, and how good his hair looked. And I knew, it was a match made in gothic-emo heaven. So Jake leaned into the gushers shelf and I had to move on without him or else I would have to get some insulin. After about half an hour had passed I made my way back because I was already sick of the store when I had walked in the whooshing doors.
OH MY GOD! I have never been approached in a bar let alone in a food warehouse. It was funny and a little scary. I think that's a better story than, -yeah we met at a Bright Eyes concert, any day.

Stumble in my footsteps

I have to lead a book discussion on Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle. I cannot even begin to articulate how much I hate this book. There are probably various reasons for this level of distaste, but the major reason is that; I have equally unbalanced and irrational parents and grew up in a state of chaos and confusion and didn't come out a successful writer or even much of a successful adult for that matter.
What I did learn to do was settle for peace and a sense of responsibility for myself my husband and my children and regard that as good as it can get.
Not much to aspire to one might think, but if you make it out of a household that brought you suffering and pain that still shades almost every experience, and don't repeat it by imposing it on the next generation, then it really an achievement without rival.

There's nothing to lose

I could go on and on about the holidays and really I'd just be repeating myself and countless others. So, I'll not bother, but what I will say is that if you live with a family of mostly males, your Thanksgiving is going to be very different than if there were other women involved.
For women, this time of year is all about the preparation, or foreplay if you will. The experience surrounds the process and all that goes into it. The end result is when the males get involved. In this case, eating all the food and then hopefully cleaning up. Christmas follows the same diagram the big buildup, planning, collecting, cooking and such. What I realized this week, is that being the only female in the house, I am the only participant in the endeavor that brings us to the end result, at least the only willing one.

In a restless world

Essence is not a type, as far as I can tell at least. It may be a smell or demeanor but I've been attracted to so many different types of men that I can't think that I have specific qualifications. I take what I can get I reckon; no, that 's not what I mean. Let me try again; When I talk to women who are dating, they tell me of a type they like and what they prefer. These are very specific details that describe attributes that are required for them to consider going out with a fellow. I just never thought within those guidelines. What may be different is that most of these gals are older and or divorced so they have experienced what they really don't want to repeat and have decided not to settle for less, or they've always been that way and just stick to a standard. So, what brought all this up was a conversation with Jake regarding dating and what I saw in guys I had liked. And, I had to tell him the truth. Absolutely nothing.

On the long shots

I don't think that a very high def picture of a naked women is actually porn, so I guess we are making progress at home and with the boys Internet viewing habits ; but I do think it's almost hideous how not like a person these pictures make a women look and in the close ups and fetishistic angles or microscopic attention to detail, from the stacked heels to the orange tan, augmented tissue everywhere and lovely blonde locks. Maybe that's the point, how not like a dimensional human being can we make these people so that they can truly be objects as opposed to having to make an effort to objectify. It just comes ready made and you just add water.
I've been awfully sick this week, and I have had nights of wakefulness to brood about many things that have me all deep thinking and shit. The most prevalent on my mind, I would have to say is it's a hard knock life.

Make a mess of your conviction

I'm having my 20th year anniversary of being super sick and out of whack and, of Eamon seeing me through it. I've learned, that the best part of being delirious enough to genuinely enjoy this movie and being sad when it was over is both sort of scary and kind of nutty.
Back in the day, it was a bout of Mono, now it's undefinable, but also very similar. When Eamon and I first got together, it was a tumultuous time. It was sloppy and chaotic but we saw it through and ended up here, twenty years later, still sloppy and chaotic but not stormy. So, I'm working on the depression/allergy connection and in my case, the allergy that leads to all sorts of weird ailment phenom.
The ebb and flow of mood for many of the men in my life, comes to a sort of breaking point around late October and then again in April. Gus is the only one of us that exhibits seasonal allergies in an obvious way, but he also gets into a horrible funk , just as my father had done. So it's been a good 40 years of being at the mercy of genetic predisposition and random attempts at solutions. I think my folks moved to California in hopes of suppressing some of those issues and it seems to have been successful. Have I bought a ticket for the Gusser? Not yet, I'll try and sort him out here as I don't want to start a trend.

Of nothing in particular

Ah, the human condition, what is it exactly that makes us all live within the inane on most levels, and then have these subterranean lives that actually are what reflect the real desires. It's the Jekyll and Hyde, Fight Club, High Tension and the Number 23 thing. Because we all have these interior lives that sometimes bubble to the surface but otherwise wait for us at night or in a few quiet minutes of the day. Is it living a lie, is there ever satisfaction in what we have and not in what we hoped for or wanted or had dreamed of? I actually didn't have any picture of what the future would hold. I didn't and still don't have a plan, and I think that 's actually what's catching up with me now. I can't use my wily youthful charm to pull it off anymore. Soon I'll have to color my hair and wait another bunch of years to get it together and for what purpose, to tell my grand kids how it should be as they wait not so patiently for their twenty.

The risk of loving you

I forgot that cruel things said by loved ones can feel like a blow. Now, it's good that I forgot that because it means it doesn't' happen very much, but the effect that it has as in crying before I even realize , or feeling like I've been punched, is not so good. I can be all analytical and intellectualize most things, but when it comes to remembering how bad my childhood felt and how much of my life has been trying to fix some of that while living a fulfilling existence, I really didn't need the reminder that there is still actual physical experience that transpires when things are said or action is not taken. So, I'm taking some; I'm bought back to the same place always when people whom I love are venomous. I want to get away and never come back and say fuck off forever, and then, knowing that the housing market sucks, I just don't talk to them for a week.

Take a small example

Needy has taken on a a newer meaning for me, as in everyone around me and then some. Regardless of how much I think I give to my family and friends, apparently I can always give up some more of whatever I had in the first place. But, I really can't; these are dangerous times for me, the person who can't say no with any ease. What I can do is act out in a way that will be self destructive or not very healthy. I feel as though I'm being pulled in many directions and I'm not as flexible as I used to be so the end result is not pretty. Indeed though to be part of any picture is a good thing, it keeps me viable of course and the go-to. I would complain with equal gusto if I had nothing to do and meant little to others, and I do realize that and have a greater sense beyond these moments of difficulty but within this dynamic, I get all worked up and nothing quite seems right or done well or with any sense of completion or competence.

That's your trouble

It's the on high thing that starts to get to me after awhile. The view from above that makes it all seem so simple, the solutions available if only you, like the the one making the judgement, could only see how easy it is. I've seen it all before, I grew up amidst the esoteric and intellectual approach to life. I heard the discussions, conversations and arguments about how it could be so different if people could only get past, well in my case it's get past the fucking drudgery and constant work, the everyday is what can't be gotten past and if you work full time, or take care of a bunch of people, who are young granted, but who lack a sense of individual responsibility within their environment, then you can't be any less high, you are right down in it and there is, when it becomes clear, that the ones who can see it all don't have the jobs that tear at their souls or break them down into simple parts and make it impossible to have the leisure and provides them the clarity while they sit and watch you clean the bathroom.