That would be a start

If I were to describe life on edge as waiting for anything to happen, then that would be where I live right now.
It could just be the Gobi like heat we are dealing with, as in summer came, three minutes after winter ended, but that would be the nature of the city I've grown to be done with. It is probably more about the challenges ahead.
I've come to know that even with my claims of flexibility and interest in change, that transition is actually harder for me than I previously realized. I'm a mixed bag of what I think I'm supposed to be, acting that part for whomever I'm dealing with and giving the answers that I think people want and actually need to hear rather than the hopeless feelings.
It's good to be put in the position of realizing what you had is most certainly enough. that even though you might not have been satisfied with the wage or status, the a job provided a normal that has been interrupted so profoundly and completely that it almost feels surgical.

That says it all

When you create a world, which is what you literally do when you have children , there are obviously things that will happen and events that will challenge them in such a way that you are unable to help them.
Here we are.
I've had situations in the past, with Jake getting in trouble, or Gus not managing his paperwork for school, or Jack not being able to find the latest Captain America graphic novel, where I can advise or grease a palm. In other words, I've had the illusion of control.
No more, it's gone, and what a relief it is, to know for once, besides for the inevitable, that there is nothing I can do besides for writing or speaking about it. I can't make it all better, can't make it go away and don't know anyone in high places who can make a call. What I can do is to step aside and let them all lead their own lives. Yes, let them?

And crush it

So, Monday I got word that I had a kidney infection. Then, I broke a tooth and my husband was canned.
Tuesday I got an email letting me know that this blog was on a top 50 list on a college website. When I linked to it, fully expecting (based on the way the week was going), a full blown viral attack. Instead, the first thing I saw was the listing at number 1.
Not only gratifying, but a literal life saver moment. I expect that the future is going to be a complicated array of small victories over an extremely precarious set of circumstances with dalliances into the darkest hours ever.
All of the people that I've shared this information with, have been visibly shaken by the news or have offered help and support. Of course they have, that's what people do, they let you know that these experiences are not meant to isolate and cause paralysis, but to teach you that anything can be overcome with a few phone calls or emails. I hope that's true, because I've become more than proficient at both.

And the darkness inside you

Eamon lost his job on Monday.
He's been at CSU for almost 17 years; watched as the only department that has made a profit for the university, was decimated and subsequently eliminated.
The separation letter said that his job was abolished.
On Monday the president of the university was given a hundred thousand dollar bonus and it is also the day that our two sons, Jake and Gus were about to start and take advantage of free tuition for staff members and their families, oh the irony.
I keep kind of remembering every few minutes. We'll be in the middle of an okay moment and then it will pop up and, I guess I would describe it as putting me in my place.
I think the forces have finally crushed me, left me in the murk of reality, that there is no silver lining for having worked hard, been loyal and devoted to something more universal, and larger than ourselves.
I need to admit that I had believed in the magic of purpose, that there would be a reward for our efforts and stupid years of drudgery in the workplace, and both knowing that, and having to tell our kids that we, at least for now, were abandoning all hope, is probably the most demoralized and dark I have never imagined .

I hope I never

We have a book sale at the library pretty much every other month. It's run by the "Friends" group and this year a lot of the old timers have moved on to other opportunities, or got so tired of sorting hundreds of books, that they just didn't want to come back.
So, there is a new crop and there is a distinct difference with this group.
I sat at the first floor reference desk today and watched as three of them would every once in a while come up to use a computer to sell books on Amazon. they would cart a box up from the lower level, and just check prices. I don't know if I'm more stunned or jealous of their zeal.
I'm sure they are helping with the process of the sale and that's all that essentially matters, but having watched these older ladies toil away selflessly year after year to make some money to help the organization, it's basically become something that you can participate in to make a profit; just what chipping in is all about.

Underneath what is real

The closing scene in I'm Still Here, is comparable to anything I've seen from the likes of Terrance Malick, Werner Herzog or even Orson Wells. It looks flat because the movie is shot in a documentary format, but the length and depth of the shot has been with me for over a week.
It takes a lot of guts to, first make a movie like this, and to also allow it be aesthetic in addition to commentary.
At times, I was physically uncomfortable, I couldn't watch. Both Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Aflleck are brave, especially with the current tone of movies and celebrity being part of such a superficial and benign machine.
On this lovely Mother's day, speaking of machines, I think about all the potential, all of the opportunity for my sons to create, and to challenge the confines, and with that, I bid them good luck!

I'm a mountain top water drop

There is little mystery or unknown on the surface of things in our current state, but the irony is, that less is really shared, and what is, is just expanded upon in perpetuity. The illusion is not an accident, with less ascendancy to resources and information, distraction, as usual is the mode in which control is managed.
For those of us with children, we've used diversions to take attention away from something that either would cause harm to them or perhaps from something they would want to buy. Certainly it works, but is it appropriate to succumb, every time to the ceaseless and pitiful, yet sometimes entertaining attempts to keep us happy in our station. I'm as happy as the next gal to be lolled into complacency some of the time.
If we didn't want it so badly, it wouldn't be such an enormous part of our lives, we wouldn't' have a holiday a month to prepare for, shop and celebrate. There wouldn't be quite so much pride taken in being unaware or of lacking in any depthful pursuits. It's not hard to know more, it just takes a few more steps, and, unfortunately, that's a few too many.