The handy and successful magic people everywhere

I could have been a contender.
There are many moments when I'm reminded of the absolute dead on quality that Charles Bukowski can manifest in his poems and stories. Eamon bought me the DVD of Factotum with Matt Dillon who really did a much better job than Mickey Rourke in Barfly or Ben Gazzara in Tales of Ordinary Madness.
The key to his writing is it's use of the ordinary low down aspects of life as a tool to understanding complexity and beauty. I've gotten tons of shit for loving him so. I would never have wanted to be in the same room with him, he was a scary abusive asshole, but his writing transcends the everyday and sometimes that is what has to matter when you need to have words that will mean something and help make it possible to get through the day.

Who are the trusted

I don't know if it's the sheer fatigue or the level of tension that has been constant for the last week, but I need a trip to candy mountain to get myself straight. My oldest son is flying over the western united states. His friends, and there apparently are many of them, all came over this morning at 5 to be dismissive of me and to see him off.
I had a little dispute with one of the glorious homeland security representatives, as usual it was a class based issue regarding letting "priority" passengers put their bags in front of ours for the x-ray machine that will protect us all from NOTHING. I was lucky to find myself intellectualizing the experience so that I could avoid at least some of the ache. Let's hear it for the brain and it's function or lack thereof.

Because all the while

It's good to have old friends to help cut through the miles of bullshit, most of which I've built a fine road with myself. There's a preciseness or nature of acuity that is lost if someone hasn't known you forever enough to feel comfortable to not say something just to make you feel good, or okay or blind to the reality of life.
When an idea is given to me at the level of honesty and with just a kernel of the bigger picture, that's when I actually learn something. It doesn't have to be overt, or lectured, explained, rehashed, bullet pointed. I just need a little bit, an idea-craft for me to start working on, expand and make into a full and pointed realization

All the things I had to say

A little levity perhaps,
Jack to Eamon, Sunday morning at breakfast;
Dad, do you want to go to the great lakes science center?
No.
How about the art museum,
Nope,
natural history,
No,
okay why don't you just go to a bar then.

When the smoke clears

Angles of perception, that is what it's all about. I've heard it before, thought I understood what it meant that every one sees events differently, in fact, I studied it in mass communication, the case of a group of people who all experienced the same event and every last one of them saying something different and contrary. So, I guess it's an unpleasant taste of reality, to know that Jake has a completely different take on his place and participation in this world. Self preservation is essential, but then again, it can start to stink as well.

I know

If I had balls life would have me by them. Since I don't I guess I'll just grieve. For a while there I thought I was doing alright, managing my lot and not letting the overwhelming urge to run for Canada take up a huge portion of my awake thinking time. Not the case anymore. As I've mentioned number 1 is going to be heading west and the most heartbreakingest aspect of this harshness, is he will be gone. There is the myth of living with a family, that everything that is adverse can be overcome, that there will be some resolution or closure. But, not with this one, it just is the worst and leaves me with a hole that echoes.

Wait a minute Chester

The world is a heavy place today. There was a big event at the home front last night, that pretty much ended with me telling the boy he had to go. It took him being way out of line with Jack. I'd been gone 5 minutes, driving Gus to yet another activity. I got a call, Jack explained his version of the events, and I told him to lock himself in my room, but not to touch the DVD player, because I had been watching the Descent and the last thing I wanted was for him to get a glimpse of that shit because it was pretty startling. Though, it doesn't take a horror film for me to be unsettled. I have been dealing with a lot of unruly youths at the library. Here I thought I was very much in the teenage mind set, not realizing, that there is no mind to set.

Shadows on our eyes

Is being helpless desirable? I think at times, and for some it is. The real question perhaps is discovering if this behavior is a natural one, learned or environmental. And, we all probably have some aspect, or at times have needed to let someone or something else make the decisions, take charge or take some action. Again, working with the public I am often confronted with people who refuse to take steps to either learn something or figure something out on their own. Perhaps this is one of the reasons librarians remain gainfully employed. Maybe the nature of many institutions is to keep people from gaining and or retaining a level of self sustained competence; otherwise, who would make the fries.

A million in prizes

I bought something today, that according to Salli, my Estee Lauder sales specialist, will stop my skin from aging another second, and not only that, but it will add elasticity and work with my natural collagen to renew the moisture in my skin. Okay no; all it does is make me think that a purchase will buy a few more years. But, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief on more than just a movie. So, in my vulnerable state, I went to Macy's and bought into the smells and glass counters and the smooth talking professional looking dark smock wearing, commission pocketing cozener, and am damn proud of it.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier

What is it going to take to stop this guy. I recognize the value of the internet. There is nothing that is as fantastic as the access to information. It's simple; however, what it has all but eliminated is the function of public protest. We protest with words but because they are typed, the message does not get to people who are influencing the lives and times. How do we call for a mass demonstration? Will the press actually cover it like they didn't with the 2001 inauguration where there were hundreds of thousands of people protesting an coup d'etat. It has to effect people economically because after all the business of America is business and the only way to approach dealing with that mind set is to fuck with their chedda.

I learned the truth

Jack forgot his lunch money today, well he didn't forget it in the traditional way, he had to change his pants because he stepped on griffin pee thusly wetting the cuff. The money was left behind. Later I was at work and out of nowhere came the realization of the events that had transpired. I called the school, asked what could be done, got the automatic no and coddled the secrafuckingtary into allowing me to put money into his lunch account using my credit card. Unfortunately, though I had mentioned she would need to, no one told Jack he had money so he went lunchless. How's that for a nice memory for all of us with a little post traumatic school disorder.

A love that I miss very much

What is home is it a house, a person, a dog? I think home is the original place that of which we can never go back. Perhaps that is the hole that we are always trying to fill; the quintessential comfort zone of where we are always trying to return. So, I guess, drugs, drink, sex, food; none of it is the ticket there. But, without that penultimate loss, would there ever be so many good songs, books, poems, movies, or any sort of output attempting to define the original loss .

My holidays complete

When you work in a public setting, all sorts of people will make their way into your world. When they do, you have to differentiate if they are crazy or cool. Sometimes it's extremely hard to discern, but that can be part of the adventure. Oddly enough, or perhaps it's not odd, but the line is fine between these two places. It kind of becomes apparent that they are the former when you have been looking up something for them, such as a map of Afghanistan, that will have even the smallest villages listed, and you've checked every resource that you can fathom and after you have talked to colleagues, made a few calls; they mention that what they are looking for is the cave that Osama Bin Laden is hiding in because the lord came to them and told them the location. Yup, that's an easy one.

Like a thousand times before

Backlash should always be expected if you step out of routine, daily such'n'such or the boundaries that people expect you to subscribe and agree to. Everyone will pretend that what you've done is not why they're acting out, but it's unspoken; if you challenge the norm there is going to be a price to pay. Sometimes however, the cost is actually something that can seem agreeable. For example; if the punishment is silence, then perhaps, a victory in disguise.

You know that there are

"What are you, sixteen?"
This is what Eamon said as I was filling my empty water bottle with sake from the inordinately expensive sushi/steakhouse as we were heading out to walk over to Chuck E. Cheese so our freakishly energetic children could play, scream and run their new year loving hearts out.
We've done this for a few years, and it seems to work, we get to eat, drink and then on to the bombast that is ratman's palace. I won't miss these days, and I hope it's not because I'll be a grandmother before I can.