Don't let them know

Okay, so Gus is leaving in two days for Argentina, and I told him to stay there if he likes it.
What mother does that, tells her child to remain a fourteen hour plane trip away?
Me, the person who had dreamed of going to England from the age of seven, and actually went and lived there at eighteen, but felt compelled to come home.
I am not telling my children to base their decisions on my laments and or choices, but I do feel compelled to let them know that there is freedom in their lives at this point, that won't necessarily be there at a later date.
Eamon and I watched a few episodes of Mildred Pierce this weekend, or better said, the story of the women who deserved to be punished because she enjoyed sex. That being said, in the simplest of fashions, I know there is more to the story, and I understand that there are complexities of theme that I'm surely leaving out, but the bottom line is clear, and always has been.

All the feelings

On the way to work this morning I heard Gardening at Night the first song I ever remember hearing by REM. I would listen to my transistor radio in bed and just barely hear the radio station from the University of Akron, where the song was in heavy rotation.
I was so in love with music, and felt a tremendous rush of potential when I heard this one and tons of other songs that were so very right.
And then, just a few years later I was at parties with these people, talking to them, laughing, hanging out with mutual friends, it's all kind of stunning when I think about it.
We had two major and one minor meltdowns last night. Well, four if you count mine when all was said and done. The oldest is struggling with adult demons and dark impulses. the youngest with distractions and his station and the middle with being stuck with all of us for another week. And then there's Eamon, he's kind of out of the entire mix, and I don't know yet if that's his choice or mine.

A long way from home

Sometimes you are not anywhere near the bottom even though you have convinced yourself that you are.
I'm not, not even close, but there are others, the ones I love, that are feeling so very hopeless, lost and alone.
These descriptors, do they give any justice or dimension to those feelings, or just supply a short track to general understanding?
Words, everyone of them are meaningless when you are helpless to provide a clearing. Even as eloquent and savvy as I might think I am, I'm mute in this case. I cannot make it better, change any one's mind or provide much comfort. All I can do, is answer the phone, and with the amount of time I've been spending at work, I can't even do that on a regular basis.
The kettle of deficiencies have come to a nasty simmer,the combination of Eamon's and my chemical, physical, and emotional composite have taken their toll, and it's colossal.

Is it something

Jack and I got into our first row the day before yesterday. That makes it about 16.90 years without a throw down, and that's a record. Jake was a teenager at two and Gus flew way under the radar.
I think it's pretty remarkable that we came this far without having a conflict that was memorable, but it seems that it shocked us both into a pretty low place.
He called me at work yesterday to apologize, which I graciously let him do. And then, I did the same.
It was important for me to not be the one that initiated the redress, because some lines were crossed that he needed to acknowledge, which he did. I was not only relieved, but by understanding the process so quickly, he demonstrated why we have had so few of these events come between us.

What's next is the question

Being part of a culture that is absolutely nuts, is in turn hilarious and profoundly unsettling.
The build up to Christmas is something I've discussed here. But, the aftermath, which is a complete switch from the week before seems more apparent to me this year, than I've noticed in the past.
So, eat cookies, buy lots of stuff, prepare lavish meals, ham and all the fixin's, entertain with creamy cocktails, mmm, delicious candy yum.
Okay, it's January; DIET, Special K challenge, fitness wear on sale in all of the Sunday circulars, In addition, the biggest coupon packet I've ever seen, with all your low cal, nonfat needs being met and you can double them!
That is just messed up.

There will be another song for me

Jake texted me the following last week,
"Hey just got a flashback about you, We couldn't wear hoodies or scarves to school because you thought they might get caught on something. Thanks Mom."
Because of the print aspect of that communication, I could not tell if it was a sarcastic comment or if it was a; thanks for potentially saving our lives lady.
Based on Jake's behavior these days I'm going to say it was as authentic a memory and show of appreciation as one could get.
He's so not like his brothers right now, that I have to actually think about how I'm saying things to him so I don't sound as snarky and caustic.
Which brings me to the admission that we all have been using a sort of negative and truncated short hand and it isn't pretty.
I'm glad for the realization, gaining the knowledge that I have to actually think about making myself sound "nice" to my family, the people I love, is a lesson I very much appreciate and probably is a long time coming.