Cast away

Eamon and I had an amazing day together yesterday. Why is that important? Because most of our time spent of late is full of arguments, recriminations and a lot of tension.
If I did not know that all of those experiences are a byproduct of our current state of unemployment, then I would be even more terrified.
Part of that I think ,was my honesty about the toll this experience is taking on all of us. And how I feel guilty even when I'm doing my darnedest to make everything work. That's the clincher, I can't make some of it work because it's not in my power to do so.
It's no fun to feel powerless in most situations, and I know relatively speaking this is not the worst it is for so many others. And, there are no buts or howevers, just that it is a constant.

Only for a moment

I feel as though I have been remiss in that I didn't lament the pending visit from my parents and discuss it for weeks before their arrival. They are already gone, so perhaps a leaf, page, or chapter has been closed, completed or even overlooked.
There is not much more to my Mother these days than repetition and redundancy and repetition and redundancy. In fact, she behaved in a way towards Jake that explains a lot about what had often ended up leaving me confused and unsure about decisions or the lack thereof.
For the first time in his adult life, Jacob is very settled. He has moved into another apartment with people he really likes, and they have mutual feelings for him. He has recently become a manager where he's been working for four years and working full time.
Whenever my Mother saw him this last week she would say to him, "you should move back to California." It was relentless. Even though he's obviously really happy and keeping things together, she insisted on challenging that without thinking about the repercussions or effect of her actions. How unusual.

Ninety six tears

The following is a letter I wrote to the editor of a weekly local paper. It is being published in next week's issue

On Monday, a tragic hit and run accident took place, ultimately taking the life of a thirteen year old child.

I want to try and break down the dimensions of the tragedy of this event because there is a lot to it.

First, there are no sidewalks in Olmsted Township on either Fitch or Cook, both roads are busy with speeding cars, construction vehicles , and children walking in the street because there is no where else for them.

Second, the person who hit this child, was probably speeding as many cars do and couldn't have dreamt that his or her actions would end up in the death of a child, but they did.

Third, if you hit a person with a car, even with all the terror you feel, and initial inclination to keep going, you don’t, you think about how your fear can not be compared with an injured, scared child, and in this case critical situation.

Perhaps there is nothing you can do but hold the person, rest a hand on theirs , get help, but leaving them alone to die is never an option, because after that, no matter how much punishment the legal system will impose, the fact that you abandoned the duty that is all of ours, in any community under any circumstances, to offer comfort in what ever way possible, is a true catastrophe.

I may go wrong

Gus is planning to go to Argentina in January, he found an immersion program for Spanish, culture, and cinema, decided that it was where he wanted to go and has been working towards it ever since.
He will find out this week if he's been accepted, or if they're willing to take thousands of dollars to keep him there for a semester, I guess that's the same thing as going to college, but with a twist.
His determination reminds me of a story from my childhood, (of course).
I was ten and there was an advertisement in the newspaper for a trip to New York city for fifty dollars.
The only catch was, it was with a Hasidic group going to celebrate Purim. Not being particularly religious, I did not forsee how that aspect was going to impinge on my plans to party in the big apple. But one bus ride and about 10,000 prayers, not including the hours spent at the temple, where we went three times a day for two days, and last but not least, not knowing anyone, I began to regret my adventure.
In his case, I don't think any such miscalculation is at hand. And, I can go visit him, on a plane.

To other shores

Perhaps I'm in a self help rut, I'll allow that, but I really don't think so. And, what I mean is actually willfully participating in a something to move forward in an area, but with a fair amount of speculation.
I started with the brain, a very good place to start, and finished in the same place but added some hormones, genetics and politics.
Yes, I've deduced that the way to not finding out what is most obvious is to listen to the rhetoric of a thousand pharmaceutical, diet industry and fiction based science experts.
Having done that for thirty or more years, It's time for a change.
That change is more about growing up than anything I've previously been able to muster. It's a decision to forgo what is familiar, comfortable, and known, and make the leap towards finding other things to think about, spend time doing and garner pleasure from.
Also, discovering that what I thought was something lacking from either nurturing or environment is actually biochemical, is of course, the cherry on top.

Who spurred us on

I sort of vowed that I would not complain about my job after Eamon lost his. I'm going to reel a little of that in, and say a few things that may be perceived as carping, but I'll leave that up to interpretation.
Attempting to apply logic to the argument that a customer was having with me yesterday, was a huge mistake but afforded me the opportunity to realize that I have come to a new place, either due to age or well, age.
That said, I remain true to my antipathy towards authority and arbitrary decrees, but I also have established that I will not try to reason with tomfoolery, either at work or at home. But, anywhere in between is a crap shoot.

The rivers run high

I've known Larry Lewis for almost thirty years. We traveled in the same music scene, had mutual friends, though we were mostly just acquaintances. He died last night. He had been diagnosed with throat cancer last year and in a flurry of activity, managed to start a number of artistic and creative endeavours and collaborations in just the last few months.
His blog, Lairmatic slalomed gracefully between entertainment and heartbreak.
Writing seems to have provided the balm to save him from the depths of what any of us could have fallen into with that definitive and near outcome.
There are days I do, but I will try never to underestimate the power of sharing whatever you can manage.