A one, two three

What do you call a drunk blog post a dost ? a Dlog? I don't know, but I feel compelled nonetheless. Not too wasted to remember my password, but just enough to walk with a tilt. It doesn't happen too often, so there is just a little shame but not enough to stop me.

We did it, we went to the Sunnyvale Ballroom, founded in 1930, and danced to the eighteen piece orchestra, the vocalist, Diane took our picture. It is all I could have dreamed of for a New Year's eve, I have never had more fun, we were so not dressed for it or trained in the art of ballroom, jitterbug or the token south of the border ditty! It was amazing. It was a painful endeavour for Eamon, yet he pulled it off, in fact, when we couldn't find it, after about a half an hour of driving around, he suggested we use the Verizon navigator; that's when I knew that he had actually committed himself to the experience, and oh, my friends, if only you could see through my eyes, past the drop ceiling, you could actually smell 1930 in that place. It's what I've been looking for my entire life, and then some.

Going around

The new year approaches and I would like to go out dancing. There really is no place that kind of fits the bill of what I'm looking for which is rave meets ballroom I guess. Middle aged dancing is a complicated endeavour. I don't want to appear as though I'm trying to be young, but I also don't want to party to music that is decades old. I don't even know where to go, if we were to end up amongst tanned youths with requisite posturing, I would be all caught up in that rather than just boogieing. So, we'll have to see what happens.
In the meantime, everyone is around, no work, no school, just us all the time, in all our glory.

To reason away

I'll start with the most pleasant of Christmas memories for this year. My husband told me that his siblings would not be exchanging gifts this year. I purchased some delectables to at least have something to share, but nothing extravagant. When his sisters (4) and brother finished handing us our gifts, I thought to myself, perhaps Eamon was confused and meant to say, "hey, let's go to my sister's house so I can make you look like a complete asshole." Which would have indeed been the case, because I do.
Does his giving me a copy of Billy Jack make up for that horrific error? I'm on the fence. I lean in the direction of forgiveness, because he knows that the movie was one that shaped so many of my choices when I was 9; Clothes, martial art instructional choice, wishing to be a noble Native American. It was the movie that let me know, I too could be a peaceful outsider, but when someone goes past that line.....

A credit

Bringing the year to a close is something I've been looking forward to, not that a demarcation is going to make things better in January, but a break to enable me to define when things started to really suck, got a little better and or where fine, is always helpful for the likes of the space, time impaired.
For a few years, I've been obsessing about something. I've used behavior modification, a cattle prod and various other techniques to bring myself out of the loop; all to no avail. I'd like to say that I don't have any control and it's out of my hands, but I won't. I've chosen to let important parts of my life fall asunder so that I can remain in this state.
I think that there's a part of us that sticks close to some initial injury and tries to repeat it as frequently as possible, especially under optimum circumstances, which in my case have made for the perfect storm.
So, if I had to say make some sort of resolution or promise for the new year, it would be to count my lucky stars, but not too carefully.

Count the time in quarter tones

Is it me or are there a few top ten lists for the year, and holy vampire teeth, the decade as well.
Being one who can't remember anything I am relieved of the duty of making a best of list. What I can mention, (sorry for those who thought they might avoid that here), is the one's that stuck.
I can't praise the titles that are on most lists because here in Bedrock, Ohio they haven't opened yet, so my criteria is that I have to actually have seen the movie, not fallen asleep during it and can recollect at least half.
I'll start with Stellet Licht, released in 2007 but I just got my copy hot off the library presses. This movie is magic, slow moving like sludge, but otherworldly in so very many ways.
Che, above, beyond, and shadowing any expectations I may have had. District 9 because though it may have been predictable, it was hard core. Funny People, Leslie Mann blew the roof off in one of the most poignant scenes of the year, otherwise it was fine but not stellar.
Up, cute, but not too, compelling and sad, I may have been hormonal, but I'll let it stand for now. Inglorourious Basterds for the first two scenes and one later, otherwise, not so much. One more, Away We Go put a lot into perspective for me, in terms of trying to find a home, where we belong and how we sit with ourselves, I'm a fan of all of those questions, and particularly how they're asked.

Flip the tube

Last night was the first of three "winter" concerts this week; add a swim meet and you've got Yahtzee, Oh what a week it will be.
It was an exceptional musical extravaganza and to top it off, When the choir director called for alumni to come up for the singing of the Hallelujah, there up on the stage, for our viewing pleasure, Jake. All three fellas singing their little hearts out, the auditorium could hardly contain them. I have video, but because today I am fuzzy in the head, it will have to wait for an incongruous future date.
Eamon was there too, oh was he ever. He had sat down before I came in, so when I saw that he was in the back I told him that Jack had said we would need to be up front and on the left if we wanted even the small chance of seeing him. Gus I've never seen, he's a percussionist so I know he's there. My husband decided that this was the time he was going to stand, or in this case sit his ground, and he and I sat as if we were one of the many divorced couples that attend the same event, but put rows of seats between them lest anyone think they get along..

My problems have all gone

Oh the minutia hear it roar;
What is with the minute by minute narrative in every venue. Walking through the store and telling the person on the other end of the phone exactly what you are looking at. Ditto for looking at things on the shelves in the library; Facebook posts about what you had for breakfast. Blogging about the minute by minute exchange you have with your mom; wait a minute that's me.
So, yes, I acknowledge it's all of us who have logged on to some technology and taken advantage of the outlets, possibilities for sharing and wanting to look like we have an important bit of work that must be texted as we walk or sit alone for thirty seconds lest someone thing we are idle or unimportant.
It's essential to have venues for our thoughts and creations, however there needn't be self importance attached to all of these expressions because with that comes absolutely no discovery, except mostly of what we already knew.

For one so small

There is a man who comes into the library almost every day, he wheels a huge oxygen tank, and he reeks of cigarette smoke. waking up like that, living with the need which is so strong that you have to forgo any logic or reason and let the dark side rule your life, I don't know, it's just hard to reconcile. Not that I don't recognize a self destructiveness in many of us. But I do feel, and it could be an age thing on my part, but I am willing to wrestle with whatever has kept me down ; I may lose, or run out of steam before I'm done, but I don't want to have find shoes to match a colostomy bag.
On that note, I spoke to my mother yesterday; the woman who disrupted Thanksgiving and every holiday previous albeit not as effectively, and I asked her how her recovery was going. She said that she still had some bumps and bruises, and I said I mean the outpatient counseling. "For what?" " Well", I said, "For the fact that you had toxic levels of alcohol in your system and almost died because you drank half a bottle of brandy and you weigh 90 pounds."
" Who told you all that, your dad ?"
"Um, everyone who was there, my sisters, dad, the doctors."
"I don't want to talk about that anymore"
To illustrate my "getting" what happens to people who just can't get above it, exhibit A.

Shall I play for you

Jack and I were driving to yet another swim practice yesterday, when we passed what probably could be a homeless man. "Homeless people depress me." Jack said this as he was changing in to what the coach considers an appropriate bathing suit. My response was, "imagine how they feel".
This discussion then led to Jack asking if I thought people who were homeless just didn't try hard, or if there were other circumstances that made them what they are; was it drugs or alcohol or mental illness? He knows the answer, but I'm sure there is a lot of pressure in his culture to believe that individuals have complete control of their lives and if they don't they're just fucked up. We talked about the various issues like environment, genetics, luck ,and how without certain support systems things can get really out of control. I tried not to be too knee jerk about any of it and just let him work it out, which in the end brought him to where he might have been had I reacted as I usually would. He saved himself a forty five minute lecture both passionate and resolute; talk about luck.