New ways

Sometimes you have to sit and evaluate what is real and what you wish was.
We went to Oberlin last week to visit with my friend and her high school aged daughter ,who were taking a tour of the college as a potential choice for her in a few years.
I have never really been to Oberlin, and I immediately fell in love with the town, and subsequently started imagining a life there. Except, that I forget that I’m 50.

To the end

Jacob is dating the most wonderful gal ever. Now with saying that, I know he is challenged and at the same time overjoyed that I like her so much, and she me.
He told me last night as we were discussing how lucky they both are to have found each other at this time in their lives, and that he had influenced greatly how his high school girlfriend felt about me, and how he made me out to be awful so she would hate me.
And then, being of many minds I get that completely. We sometimes want an alignment that excludes others, especially others who have some sort of control over us.
The other aspect of which I am clearly aware, and as many of my friends have forewarned,  is that eventually if they break up, I will be challenged by the loyalty I have to Jacob and the real affection I have for Eve (not her real name). I’ve been through this, on the other end, and what I have learned is that regardless of the initial connection of the relationship,  it can stand on it’s own will.
My boyfriend from college, had family members whom I remain in touch with, love dearly and think of often. His, and my past have nothing to do with what I have with them now, and that is a tradition I intend to continue.

Write me up

Jack has not managed to pass the driving test as of yet.
With that, I try and give him some big picture advice, as in don’t be impulsive, wait a few days in order to use a car he’s more comfortable with, various cornerstone gems to help him through this one, and larger challenges he will face.
And then I hear the blahblahblah of my own voice and I either make a joke or just stop talking entirely.
He and I are most certainly at a crossroads. One of which I have been at before, or at least it looks familiar.  But, he has not, it’s all new to him, the freedom the potential. All of the things I once knew but no longer do.
Middle age is hard. No one told me, all I knew about in advance was the hormonal upheaval, not the part where you look back and think about the enormity of all of it, and the sheer speed of the years that have passed. Or maybe someone did, but I was thinking about something else when they were telling me.

Come on

Unbeknownst to me, Jack got himself a second job selling cemetery plots, that-a- boy!
So, as I am working today, and he did not realize it, he called me to find out why I hadn’t picked him up from school in order for him to get to his job on time.
It’s my fault, it’s all mine, all on me, all the time.
I have done too much for my children, entirely too much, they feel entitled to everything. And I did it, and still do it so they will like me, so they will want to be around me, and I'm going to stop now.
I'm a people pleaser, I don't want to make anyone mad. Perhaps when they were kids it didn't matter as much because they needed me, and were dependent and easily managed with a toy or one too many Happy meals.
Now, with the combination of guilt about bad choices on my part, and the nature of my insecure self, I've created three monsters, whom I love, adore, and sometimes can't stand.

Take all that you see

There is a woman who for the entire time I’ve been at my place of work, has come and cleaned and maintained the building while it is open, as opposed to our service that comes in after we close.
This gal is kind of in that in-between place, of sort of working for another organization, but being here with us five days a week.
That is until Thursday of last week when her position was eliminated.
All week I had been going back and forth about buying a new car, a much more luxurious and esthetically pleasing vehicle, which would cost more than I really should be spending.
I would decide to do it, what the hell, and then weigh the pluses and minuses again and again.
This event, my friend being cast away as if her wage would really influence the downward spiral of funding, after a few years of being flush and mindless spending winds up, clinched it for me.
We are all somewhat meaningless in the machine, our individual lives, including homes, children, bills, yes and even cars, overlooked and invisible.