We set controls

Ego.
Keeping it in check, knowing when it gets in the way of relationships, and coming up with strategies to feed it. That’s what a family Thanksgiving is all about.  Or, that, and food.
As I process the last week, the first thing that I’m coming to terms with is an event that took place, a reception for my Mom, that both commemorated her starting and editing a journal in California and the resurgence of it at Cleveland State University, where she had been a professor over twenty five years ago.
The reception was amazing. Old friends and colleagues, copies of the journal and tributes to her stewardship.
I hovered, letting people know that she might forget where she was, that she thought they had all come to California, and was wondering why.  But, she pulled most of it off, partly due, I think, to there being no alcohol available to add to the confusion.
Eamon and Jake made surprise appearances, the venue was a penthouse on the lake it could not have been more lovely.
And here comes the part that sums up the nature of aging, where your head is at and what is most meaningful for people of a certain age.
When I asked my mom what she thought of it all, she said, “ the salmon could have used more salt.”

The things you do

“Ya Jewish”?
That was the question Gus got, in a deep Brooklyn accent, while sitting in a hostel in a remote area of Argentina.
I guess it’s written all over his face, because it happened again, in an eerily similar way at OSU. But, in this case, in a strange way it made him feel very close to home.
His answer was yes, and subsequently he had a Sabbath meal with a group of Hasidic Jews from Crown Heights.
They welcomed him, and introduced him to some rituals and religious traditions, all in a somewhat absurdist context, which no doubt made it enormously memorable and vivid.
As of tomorrow, everyone in my immediate family will be together. They all have come, or are coming here because Eamon has had to miss the last few get togethers, so everyone decided to come together at our house.
It’s hard, it will get harder, but I’m happy nevertheless. I’m all about the absurd, and it runs in the family

And the cruise control

Disclaimer:
This is not a post slagging on men. Actually it may end up being the opposite, let’s see shall we.
The thing I’ve been thinking about and or noticing, is the settling.
Women, some of us, all of us at one time or another, settle for the less than, or the doesn’t live up to.
A good amount of this theory comes from either personal experience, friends, or, watching a movie or ten, where the main guy will even make a speech, about how he’s no good, and didn’t live up to his potential, but the competent, successful, and hard working women falls for him anyway; discards all those notions about what’s important for a relationship and what she needs to be able to manage a life together.
What’s the alternative? An uber A personality, where you settle for assholish behavior but don’t have to worry about the finances.
The crux of it is, women don’t believe the men. They think they’ll eventually measure up, but what happens is we adapt. The fellas were honest from the start, it’s we who are the liars.

knew what to do

Jacob is driving Jack Henry to OSU for a college visit and then they are going to bring Gus back for the weekend.
That means all of them will be in a car together, which originally was going to be Jacob’s 1992 Honda hatchback with no airbags, a door that doesn’t open and a level of discomfort for me, which I cannot abide.
I’ve let them know that I want them to switch and drive my car, which reminded me of an incident of a road trip of my own. I was going to Toronto with my boyfriend, but felt like my car was not suitable so I asked my mother for hers. She obliged me, probably for the same reasons I’ve made the determination today; safety, the illusion of safety, and a better chance of survival.
The thing is, I left her with a shitty car, with an almost flat tire, and this wasn’t at home, we made the switch outside of her office which was downtown.
I’m obligated to admit that I could be a selfish and impulsive teenager, that my desperate need to do exactly what I wanted, and have it be how I wanted it to be, superseded, pretty much everything, which I guess is the same today, as I impel my child to take my car rather then his own.

Then and there

While watching Seeking a friend for the End of the World, I asked Eamon if he thought that if there were no “rules”, if he would act or feel different then he does. He said probably not, and I agreed. I don’t think we base our expectations of ourselves on many external cues.
I have a friend who has told me, a few times, that if he found out there was no hell he would probably not behave as well .
Having grown up without the expectation that my actions would alter what would happen to me after I died, has, I think, made it about doing the right thing for the sake of , well, doing the right thing. And of course that is all relative.

And find a place

Today I helped a lot of people.
I worked at two branches, so, much of that was showing customers how to go about downloading books onto their e-readers, setting up their laptops, or ipad with viable accounts, so they could use the library’s wireless, and, I also plugged in someone’s wheelchair as it was about to lose power because he has had no electricity in his home for three days.
I could have had so much more to say about these last few days, and the post storm experience, but that sums it up.