Monday, June 21, 2010

And the wrong rhyme

For a graduation gift, Gus received a memory book from the mother of one of his close friends. It includes pictures and scrapbook cut outs of graduation oriented items. It's something I could never make, ever, not even close. It is amazing and totally made me feel like shit.
Not that I haven't been feeling that way lately anyway, it just amped it up. But, that's wrong, I should have only admired it and saw how happy it made him that someone went to such trouble for him.
I rationalized that my entire life is about this family and the work I do is so they can have their fun, go to school and live in a way that makes them happy. But, it doesn't. Gus has expressed great sadness lately. Jack is unhappy at school, at the lack of friends with common interests and just having playful people around him. Jacob is still unable to attach himself to something that makes him feel anchored. The short of it is that we are rudderless and there is very little hope of a repair or a replacement part if I don't find my way through the haze. I need some clarity, and it's not going to come from an external source.


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