Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The wonder of this feeling

It's been a formidable week. I've kind of gone off the sugar, which without any exaggeration is my heroin, and subsequently I've had the clarity to face some real truths, mostly about relationships and parenting. Just some light fare to start the day.
I've failed as far as I can tell. Coming out of the gate, 21 or so years ago, I had all the gumption in the world to challenge most everything of my own upbringing and unfortunately I'd been delusional and thought this boss would not be the same as the old one.
Well, it's not quite the same, Eamon and I have added our own various weaknesses, leanings, and taints.
Did we do a more inadequate job than the people that came before us, no, but we did manage to fuck a lot of shit up nevertheless.
I can't speak for him, and won't try to reconcile his issues, but what I will do is say that I'm disappointed that the predominant memories, at least for my oldest son, are not positive ones. They are a confused mess of his problems and my own that never got worked out or dealt with because every time we tried something, either medical or behavioral, he did everything in his power to challenge it.
Regardless, the point is I was the parent, no matter what he tried or didn't, I should, and could have done a better job.


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