The void in my head

Just when you think it's safe to get back into some sort of routine, you realize no, indeed you have forgotten something and it's pretty important. I panic when school starts, I get all twitchy and can't sleep well. I'm in my forties. Why on earth, how is it possible that I still have this fear. I don't really need to ask that question, I know that I found school confining and confounding for that matter; until college, where I was for the most part in my element.
I could not stand the routine, both personal and emotional, the boredom and the lack of connection I felt to most of the subjects and or teachers. There were moments of clarity, where I felt something great, I had some really good friends and fond, okay no fond, just livable memories of some events. But, the point is that I don't have to relive it every time the boys go back in the fall, or in this case mid-summer. Yet I do, even to the degree of buying new clothes and shoes for myself and perhaps a few pens and a locker shelf.