And it's small and it's mean

The problem I've had my entire life is that I don't really care about anything with the zest that most people exhibit. I work hard at my job, I contribute to organizations I find certain affiliation to, and I do the stuff you're supposed to as a reasonably good parent. However, I feel very little commitment to any of these in terms of them being important in a grander scale.
I wrote this poem last year which sums up my approach.


I’m not the person I am ever


I
In the realm of dreams I am someone I don’t know
I live like a stranger but know her vaguely
Her life however has lead a different course no
Children or an unknown for a boyfriend who
Seems familiar yet resembles no one. In another
There are children but I’ve left them across the country
And have moments to get them before they are left in the dark
Dusk is looming my car doesn’t work then my feet all is lost
And I awaken to my real life relieved to such a degree that I
Know that in the dream I was in that life I was entrenched
There was no doubt that I was someone other than me.
I have never known such relief as waking from these dreams
I’ve woken many a day hating my life and regretting my choices
coming up from the darkness of the dream I surface from a murky
dense understanding that it could have gone this way
like a muffled vision of the same place with the colors
off just a little slants and angles like a hillside where you
have to walk a bit on the sides of your feet and where
you have blocked ears and vertigo ever present

II
Then there is the person that changes in every setting
I am not me as a mom I scream and swear curse them
And promise never to repeat the mistake that led me to this
Place that they will regret it for real this time that they didn’t
Listen to my warnings and suggestions and pleas to stop or go
And now and here and this one not that one and why do we
Have to do this again why do I have to start every day knowing
That they will have forgotten the day before the lessons erased
From their limited memories as it is
Or the working girl saying yes and smiling wide knowing that
I never get anywhere with this but trying to be nice and pleasant
Nevertheless I’m as bad as the children in this setting
Giving the impression that I’m committed interested and aware of the
Value of the outcome when I know that in the realm of
My prefecture nothing means a thing because of the end
And that it’s presence for me is the only thing that ends
Up being