I was dreaming of the past

I like to pretend that I'm not competitive, and I really don't know why. Most people are, it's a big part of our culture, even our nature to want something or to be really good or successful in a field. I have usually suppressed my desire to prove that I was superior at something, except in a few cases and with a few people. I squirm when certain members of the cast of characters from my past end up with awards or are heralded with accolades. But, if I investigate this further, it's not as if I want them to be living on skid row, so it's purely the emotional reaction of the three year old that lives in me, and I'm assuming others.
In essence, after hours of being boiled down, what this experience is really about is feeling less than I'd like to feel about myself, and has nothing to do with anyone else. Just me and living with the choices I've made, and keep making. However, I can say that at this point on the O'Neill homestead, I'm still unbeatable at ping-pong much to my pleasure; and for all the men I live with, it's the one thing, metaphorically of course, that I can lord over them.